an essay of many cliches.....

Hi hi. So I’ve been doing some thinking again. And as usual I have a fat lot to say. Nothing in life comes without a little perseverance. When the going gets tough, the tough get going and it’s the weak ones that stay behind feeling sorry for themselves. It’s so easy to beat yourself up and always be negative. U know what they say about change... To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.

I have many things to learn about myself. Stupid things like for e.g. earlier today someone asked me what my favorite word is. Ummm... I have no idea. Do I even have one? Does it matter??? The thing is, unlike before, I now know that it’s OK. It’s OK that I don’t know all these things. It’s OK that I have a million silly aspirations and that I have a passion for so many things- not just a single one. It’s OK that I’m still discovering these things because who said there was deadline? It’s never too late. We may come with an expiration date but that’s the only deadline we should worry about. And the rest of the time? Achieve! Believe! Sit at home and do nothing if you want to. Go ahead!!! If that’s what makes you happy PLEASE GO AHEAD.

The pressure put on us by others (and in turn ourselves) to be stable and steady by a certain age/time is ridiculous. Why force yourself to be someone u not, doing something u don’t want to, in order to conform to society's expectations? What about what you want? What about doing what makes you feel like u’ve achieved something in life? Something that you’re truly proud of. I’m not saying go crazy and wild and disregard everyone altogether. I’m saying give up on this sick fixation people have of what others think of them. At the end of it all, you’re the one who has to look in the mirror and face yourself, so dont end up hating the person u've become.... you’re the one who has to live your life, dont live it solely to please others... and you’re the one answerable for your actions, so dont compromise ur integrity... If you’re genuinely content with what u do, it’s always worth it.

Don’t ever let anyone tell u that anything’s impossible. NOTHING is impossible. Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. It is often merely for an excuse that we say things are impossible. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Don’t be scared. Dare to dream. Dont say no to all the things u want to say yes to.... Enjoy the little things in life. Live. Smile. Cry. Feel. Its OK. We don’t have the answers to everything. Nobody’s perfect cuz everybody’s human. Life goes on.

awe inspiring...

Another email from my friend. A lady shares her story with us... weirdly enough I can totally relate to some of the things she went through... ************************************************************************

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring my hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery.

Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.

For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!"

I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dishwashing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: “What did I do wrong?"

Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"

After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?"

He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?"

I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table. The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it. We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call.

I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor."

The doctor confirmed that I was pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why couldn't our love even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if... In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood infront of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heartbeat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff.. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again everytime I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.

I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign."

He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?"

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now."

He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart.. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warm body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: “Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."

He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..." Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intent of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, everything became too late."... ************************************************************************

This is a true story. LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!! This truly shows the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication, as well as patience would have resolved most of the problems in this story. This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Communication is key. Settle every issue before the sunset; never allow communication to break...

can i hear a whoop whoop?

ok so i've been sooooooooo happy, floating on bubbles, etc, etc, that i've neglected my blog. i dont know what came over me but i'm so glad that it did because once i decided i'm content with life; everything started going right:) FOUR CONSECUTIVE DAYS WITHOUT TEARS!!!!!!!!!! lol. i'm of proud of myself. haha. ok so here's a funny (almost retarded) email my friend sent me. its supposedly a conversation between himself and myself.... ********************************************************************************** INSTALLING LOVE.....The Z way....

-LoveDoc Zee: Yes, ... how can I help you?

-Me: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install LOVE. Can you guide me though the process?

-LoveDoc Zee: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

-Me: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

-LoveDoc Zee: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

-Me: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

-LoveDoc Zee: What programs are running?

-Me: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge, and Resentment running right now.

-LoveDoc Zee: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

-Me: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

-LoveDoc Zee: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

-Me: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

–LoveDoc Zee: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

-Me: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

-LoveDoc Zee: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

-Me: So, what should I do?

-LoveDoc Zee: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

-Me: Okay, done.

-LoveDoc Zee: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

-Me: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

-LoveDoc Zee: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So LOVE is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. LOVE is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you. ************************************************************************

lolllllllllllllllllll. dono if he came up with it himself but big ups to him for being so awesome. mwa

everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)

the words of Baz Luhrmann...

If  I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

thumbs up:)

One of the wonderful people I met is this boy who has an unusual but refreshing sense of humor. You can’t help but like him. In between his whimsical anecdotes he narrates stories full of wisdom and knowledge. This is one of my favorite…

*******************************************************

A story is told about a King in Africa who had a close friend that he grew up with. The friend used to always accompany the king when he traveled. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) by remarking, "All praise be to God, Almighty God knows best."

One day the King and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the King. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the King fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "All praise be to God, Almighty God knows best."

To which the King replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and ordered his soldiers to put his friend into jail.

About a year later, the King was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured the King and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to it. They were preparing to eat him. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the King was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. They believed that a thumbless person was defective and accursed. So after untying the King, they chased him out of the village. When the King reached his Palace, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend.

He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right" the King said, "It was good that my thumb was blown off."

And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. “I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "this is good ... "All praise be to God, Almighty God knows best"

"What do you mean, 'this is good'! How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

The King's friend replied: "Remember that the Almighty knows best and if I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you (on this hunting trip). Look," he said lifting up his hands., "I have all my fingers and they would have certainly eaten me!" *****************************************************************

Moral of the story? Do Not Judge Things or Events by their Immediate Outcome! Know that whatever is written for you and befalls you, is better than what you think should have happened. Someone once said: I don't care what state I wake up in, good or bad; because I don't know what is good for me nor do I know what is bad for me.

negative and negative makes a positive:)

A lot of positive things have come from the heart breaking situation I was in. I have met many wonderful people, who I would never have opened up to if the circumstances were any different. I’ve discovered so much about myself. Things I like and things I want to change. All my life I’ve always been dependant on others. I’m very self-conscious so I never do things on my own. I always wanted to travel. And I’ve always wanted to live on my own. And I’ve always wanted to be confident and independent. But I’ve always been afraid. I’ve decided not be afraid anymore. I had an opportunity to go work in London but turned it down cuz its too far from the family and besides, the weather sucks. Then I had the opportunity to travel. This was perfect cuz it was temporary and I could come back to my family anytime I wished. But dad wasn’t too thrilled. He wants me to use my education and not waste a year. He would rather I stay and take over his company so that he can retire. . I want to go work and live in CT for a year. Decided few weeks back. My cousin needs a roommate so I have the opportunity. CT is close enough to the family but far enough to let me grow. Its jus about convincing my dad. They think I’ll get out of hand and get spoilt if they send me off on my own and they worry what other people will think of them sending agal to live on her own. But that’s ridiculous. I want to do this for myself. So that I learn to be independent and responsible and find happiness within myself not for FREEDOM. I don’t want to be scared of the big bad world anymore. And I know my limits. I know my values, beliefs and boundaries. And its not because of them, its because I know I’m answerable for what I do in the end. Its not like they’re here watching my every move and controlling it. I am who I am because I make my own choices. So whether my parents are there or not is totally irrelevant. Sigh. Now tell me how to communicate this to my dad. I think this move will be good for me. I need to get away from this place and all its memories. Wish me luck!!!

i'm done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello. This is one long overdue entry. What I’ve been through the last couple of months can only be describe as living hell. Unfortunately, it’s a hell I put myself through. If u ask me anything about the last two months I probably wouldn’t know how to answer u. I was in another world. I completely secluded and separated myself from everything and everyone. And for what? Jus to be hurt over and over again. I let the break-up affect me in such a way that its as if he had control over my every move. I let this boy make me believe that I am a horrible person. I literally went through my days thinking I am mean and nasty. I loathed myself. There were people- lovely, awesome, wonderful people- who kept telling me that I will get through this and I’m a good person and anyone would be lucky to have me in their lives. But I didn’t listen. Cuz only his opinion mattered. I cant believe I deleted all my posts and closed my blog just to make him happy. That’s all changed now. I’m not afraid to be myself anymore. He made me scared to be me. I’m a happy person and I’m full of love and I’m killing myself inside by believing that I’m evil and a terrible girlfriend. u’d think that someone who has been hurt by love would neva hurt another person the same way. But he does. He doesn’t even care how he speaks to me or what he says. I feel so stupid and weak. Everytime I think of him or read his msgs, I cry. But I need to get a grip on myself. I’m starting to realise and accept things about him. He’s a hypocrite. Its only natural that when one twists everythin to suit themselves then eventually they will contradict themselves. And he contradicted himself almost all the time. He said things that wud suit him and suit what he wanted at the time or to make himself look good. Oh and he’s very quick to change his stories. I keep it real. Tell it how it is. Wont ever lie. He has nothing nice to say about anyone. He says rotten things about everyone, his parents, his friend, his cousins, his siblings, even my family!!!! Yet he wants everyone to think he’s perfect. That’s y he’s angry about this blog. The truth hurts doesn’t it? He warned me not to put anything about him on my blog. Wtf? Dude, u have no right to tell me what I can and cannot do. This is my blog. I will write whatever I please. If u dnt like it DO NOT READ IT. I actually listened to him and stopped writing and kept everythin in and just became more sad. Writing is what I do, its who I am. Cant say that enough times. So now screw it, jus like him, I’m gona put my happiness first for once. He has shown no respect and does not deserve the kindness I’ve shown him. Guess u can tell I’m really angry right now. He says I’m upset and I wrote crap in my blog about him. Ok well. The truth always surfaces no matter what right? So if I’m lying about anything I wrote then the truth will come slap me in the face. I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were u. I cant believe I was so scared to write anything cuz I didn’t want to anger him. But it doesn’t matter what I say. His reaction is always the same. I’m tired of always forgiving him for the hurtful way he treats me only for it to happen again. I really tried to be nice and civil and friendly but he’s just rude and immature. I’m jus gona do what I think will be good for me and I dnt want to think of how he’s gona feel or react because he couldn’t give two shits bout my feelings. And guess what? I feel a whole lot betta after wtiting this :) anyway I don’t want to talk about him anymore. I predict in an hour or so I’ll totally regret what I wrote. I think too much about the repercussions. at the end of the day this blog is about me. And if I found tranquillity in my words and if it made me smile for even just one second then I don’t see why anyone should have a problem with it. I wont delete them now cuz I want to read all this again some day and just laugh at how silly I was. To each his own, right?