ideas, inspiration and motivation...

On Monday will be exactly a year since the day I was first forced to meet my ex. Ironically it’s a public holiday. I wonder if the day should be spent mourning the biggest mistake of my life or celebrating the purging of that mistake. I think all would agree with the latter:).

Anyway I’ve recently been motivated to start writing again. Not just on this blog. Stories as well. I intend to enter a writer’s competition. Many years ago I wrote a short book. I had typed it out on the pc. My sister read it and told me its really good. Unfortunately it got deleted off the computer and that was my only copy. I wish I still had it cuz that’s the story I want to enter into the competition. I remember my idea for the piece came from this creepy screensaver we had installed on the computer. It had pictures of people from olden times and scary photos of their houses. I can’t seem to find that screensaver anywhere. If I could have a look at it again perhaps I’d be inspired to write the story again or perhaps it could aid in some recollection of the original.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?

1pig=evry1? NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My holiday to CT was out of the blue and at the eleventh-hour. I went with expectations and reservations about how the trip would be. And let me tell u it was nothing like I imagined. Everything I thought wud be good was actually far, far beta than I could eva dream it’d be and all the qualms I had wr squashed! I even extended my trip to prolong this newly found bliss. Now, more than eva, I want to go stay there. The ppl there are jus worlds apart from the ppl here. They’re friendly and warm and so “min-gespin”. It was a real eye-opener for me. I learnt that life is still full of love. One pig doesn’t represent the rest of civilization.

So I came home all headstrong and equipped with a new attitude. I don’t live in naivety anymore and neither do I live with unrealistic expectations. I know who I am and I know what I want and nobody will ever make me feel like its stupid and I don’t deserve it. Players can play their games- just not with me. I wont take anybody’s shit. Ppl who wana be in my life will make an effort to do so and those who don’t, won’t. And the latter can eff off. I wont chase anyone and I wont be susceptible to their tricks.

Maybe this sounds a little harsh but I can’t afford to be any other way. I’m so easily carried away by the idea of fairytale love, I believe the best in everyone, I trust everything they say and I end up hurt. I can’t be gullible. I can’t survive another heartache. So to protect myself these are my new rules. And I’m so much happier. Some will say I’m building a wall and pushing people away but it’s not like that. Through all my hardships there have been lessons I’ve learnt. Now I know precisely who’s worth it and who isn’t. I trust myself not to push away the ppl who should stay. I used worry bout everyone and what they think. But no more! No matter what u do, ppl will still think wat they wana think. Learn to love and live for yourself and the ppl who love and respect u!

i've awoken from deep despair...

I can basically sum up the last 6 months in one paragraph:

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many cups of coffee you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those months of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

It’s actually a dialogue out of a movie but its almost perfect for me, word for word. After countless visits to my Dumbledore, a hearty conversation with an ex of my ex, and an amazing trip to CT, I can honestly say that I’m truly and completely over him. I cant believe I wasted so much time on an insecure, cocaine-sniffing, manipulating, hypocritical, lying, womanizing, narcissistic, pervert!!!! I’m working now. And living life by new rules. And I’m really, really happy. There are genuinely amazing, amazing ppl in my life!!! And I feel really sorry for him and the ppl he continues to deceive. But it’s not my problem anymore and one day they too shall learn the truth. For their sake I hope its not the hard way. I deleted about 99% of the posts I previously wrote about him. So my blog looks quite empty now. But I feel all cleansed inside:).