where hv i been???????? (memoirs of misery)

i visited my blog this morning jus to hv a look see and was absolutely APPALLED to find that my last entry was in FEBRUARY!!! oh my god! WHERE HV I BEEN?????? i'm sorry to say that there aren't many happy things to report on. alryt alryt. the year hasn't been absolutely horrible or anything. its the current state i'm in that's making everything seem like an extremely lengthy nightmare. its been a year of self discovery, of new love and of the most painful heartbreak ever. i dnt know where to start. i just want it all to end. u dnt know how it feels to love somebody and watch them give evrything u want to somebody else. how it feels to be left with high hopes and empty promises. how u hate yourself for loving somebody bcuz loving them leaves u feeling lonely and worthless. how it feels to remember that it was them who liked u in the first place and to keep reflecting on wat u may hv did to drive them away. how it feels to wake up everyday and wonder when the tears will stop coming so easily. how it feels to care about someone an infinty times more than u'd eva care about yourself and they dnt appreciate or acknowledge it let alone reciprocate. how it feels to see him everyday and hv no choice but to be happy for him. how it feels when the only thing u keep praying for is a way to forget. its difficult to sleep at night and even worse to wake up. yet i strive for happiness each day. i seek to find joy in everyday things. focus on making myself smile and look forward to things in the future. cuz only then can i be truly happy for him. sometimes i find myself hating him. how selfish he is. after everything we've been through all i'm left with are pathetic excuses and a hollow heart. he's found his happiness and now nothing else matters. everytime i hv to hear bout her the cut gets deeper. and everything he used to tell me doesn't mean anything anymore cuz he's done a complete 180 and changed his priorities for her. false words. double standards. my feelings were genuine. and real things dnt disappear at the snap of his fingers. well...this has been me for the last month. b4 the heartbreak i hv to admit he made me feel amazing. we had so many good times. fun. intimate. he's a decent guy with a good heart. and tho at first i felt nothing towards him, i learned to love him inside out. not everything is meant to be the way we'd like and he sure as hell's gona be a hard one to let go. i just gota get thru this. one morning i'll wake up and he wont matter anymore. I CANT WAIT.