befuddlement...

My mind’s a whirlwind of sentiment and confusion. Just when I decide to go down one path, someone comes along and pushes me onto another. I’m at a point where I don’t know if I’m happy or sad, strong or weak, fighting or giving up. And the irony of it all is whilst I’ve been literally forced onto this emotional roller coaster for the past week, he’s carrying on with his life, oblivious and indifferent to everything. I probably come across a tad bit idiotic to still be fixated with this. So why, you might ask, am I putting myself through all this misery? The truth is, I don’t know anymore. Maybe there is some fact in this article a friend just sent me:

"Eckhart Tolle believes we create and maintain problems because they give us a sense of identity. Perhaps this explains why we often hold onto our pain far beyond its ability to serve us.

We replay past mistakes over and over again in our head, allowing feelings of shame and regret to shape our actions in the present. We hold stress in our minds and bodies, potentially creating serious health issues, and accept that state of tension as the norm.

Though it may sound simple, Ajahn Chah’s advice speaks volumes: “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.”

There will never be a time when life is simple. There will always be time to practice accepting that. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel peaceful."

It goes on to describe 40 ways to “Let Go and Feel Less Pain” by letting go of frustration with yourself/your life, anger and bitterness, past relationships and stress. I have tried some stuff on the list and it has helped. But, that doesn’t change the fact that when I’m not distracted by the zillion other things happening in my life, I’m still hurting underneath. And when all the pain comes flooding back, nothing else seems worth the effort.

Perhaps I should’ve stuck to my method and process of moving on, instead of letting other people sidetrack me. I have no one but myself to blame. I let myself float away on false hope. To those who continue to plant my feet firmly to the ground, thank you. But I’m afraid you’re going to have to deal with me just a little bit longer. 

Thank you all for the patience and love.

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